6 Steps to Initiate Sex Like a F*CKING Baddie
There have been MANY times that my body has been screaming for sex, but my mind was so paralyzed by the idea of initiating that the sex never, ever happened! Over the years I have found myself in a frustrating cycle of desiring sex but not having the tools or the confidence to initiate sex with my partner.
Raise your hand if you can relate 🙋🏾♀️🙋🏾♀️🙋🏾♀️
You may have also fallen into the cycle of being prompted by partners to initiate sex more frequently. This may have been an innocent and well intentioned asked, BUT it can cause even more paralysis and pressure. You certainly want your partner to feel desired by you, but the uncertainty of how to initiate blocks your desire for sex!!
And thus, the cycle continues! Who initiates sex? How should they initiate sex? When should they initiate sex?
I promise you it is so much simpler than we make it! Here is some practical advice to help get you started and also change up the way you think about an initiating sex:
Hold the “sexy” keep the SEX
Here's a wild thought, and possibly an unpopular opinion: initiating sex doesn't have to be all that sexy. Keep the trench coat and lingerie in the closet. Save the dirty talk for when the lovin’ ACTUALLY starts and keep your hands to your self (for the moment 😏) I get it, you want to turn your partner on as you prompt them with sexy time, but sometimes desire and arousal come AFTER simply asking if they’d like to have sex. Think of initiation as posing the question "can you be in the mood for sex?" And eventually, you and your partner can work
Pull out your phone
Sexting is a fantastic way to initiate sex without all the pressure of a face to face interaction. It is so exciting to send a naughty voice memo or text message to your boo while they are away. These messages also serve as a way to gauge your partner’s interest in sex. A series of emojis can get you the response that you want “💋🍆💦 my place @8:30?”. or sending a calendar invitation with a code word that you both had agreed upon can turn a simple notification into a turn on!
Your value is not based on your partners response!
We fear initiating sex because we fear rejection. We are afraid of what it means when our partner says no to us. The truth is, we have to get comfortable with the fact that eventually our partners are going to turn down our propositions for sex. You and your partner are two different people. Your libidos are not ever going to be 100% in sync. Which is normal and has no moral indication implication on how healthy your relationship is or how much your partner desires you.
Schedule 1:1 time
We all go through cycles where finding time to have sex and be intimate is more difficult than usual. Stress, workload, family commitments, health issues, can all become obstacles that keep us from having sex. When you find yourself in the situation talk to your partner about scheduling one on one time. Notice that I did not say schedule time for sex. This is a really popular suggestion and it can help some people. But often, it creates the same sort of pressure that prevents us from having sex in the first place. Scheduling one-on-one time to be intimate, to cuddle, to kiss without the expectation of sex, can be a great way to connect with your partner and remind them how important they are to you. In this relaxed environment, sometimes sex can happen. In low pressure situations where you're being intimate there is a high potential for desire and eventually arousal to spark. But the most important thing to focus on is finding connection
Practice makes perfect
“what do I say, and how do I say it?” is a really common question people ask about initiating sex .Take time out when you can be alone to practice what you want to say to your partner in the mirror or record yourself on your phone so you can watch your body language and listen to your voice. It may sound silly and it may sound corny but having a visual of what you look like help relieve some of your stress.
Practice Vulnerability!
Listen, it's fine if you are unsure of what to do and how to initiate. Be honest with your partner and let them know that you're feeling a little unsure of how to move forward. Get curious, ask questions and see if they are open to letting you know what their preferences are when it comes to initiating sex. Do they prefer verbal cues? Do they like nonverbal cues? Have an open dialogue and find out so you can move forward with confidence!
More than anything, communication is key! Talking to your partner about what they like what they don't like and also sharing your likes and dislikes can create a much more fluid interaction. Even partnerships even long-term partnerships can benefit from a routine check in and conversation.
Let’s be friends! If you enjoyed this post, be sure to subscribe to The Pleasure Pages Newsletter, follow me on IG and if you are looking for long term support and accountability on your sexual healing journey, click here to learn a bit more about my Mindful Sex + Pleasure Coaching program!
Remember that you are divine and deserving of pleasure.
xo, Portia